Monday, August 11, 2008

It's been a long time since I last booked-in to Bedok Camp, seeing familiar faces like, Sgt Ser Guan, the ever nice APS (really la..) or the newly promoted Cpt Ng. Been attending Class 2B bike course since I donno, 5th August? Somewhere there. Blame it on my softness but it's been quite an emotional course so far, at least for me. It seems like I take setbacks harder than anyone else. I'm not very sure why, but that's how badly I take things. I'm not really sure if it's because I'm not really used to not being better than others but I presume it has lots to do with the way I was brought up.

Well, you see, I was brought up in such a way that deemed average isn't good enough and neither was "Better than others". But instead, only by being "The Best" would be good enough.

Got chided countless of times, been scolded dozens and dozens of F-yous all by the same person. It's not hard to tell why I feel that I'm like a target for him. Really depressing, or should I say, depressed. It's been quite a long time since I last hated every single day of my life. It's not that I don't want to learn but rather, it's because I'm slow when it comes to such things. I mean, I'm really not the type for motorcycles and all these "less-than-very-safe" machines. Call me a coward, call me a nerd, like what Kenneth said, or call me a hermit. Not that I want to be a nerd, but it's just that I really don't like the idea of not being "safe". But Ken asked me a very good question, "So, how did you do the heli repelling?" Haha. Honestly, I have no idea. Call me a very cowardly Guardsman if you like. I don't really care, but I just, yea. It's quite hard to imagine me doing unsafe stuff. I guess it's because I've been too sheltered and protected, like a lil foetus. I donno.

Had this very mean and evil thought during lunch, which was after practical lesson. I suddenly wanted to have someone there for me, like you know, hear me whine and all and have the person say very sweet nothings to make my day a better one. Then I thought, I need a girlfriend. Then I thought again, wake up! That's the biggest reason that I detest to why one needs a girlfriend! And to think I had that thought when I was at my weakest, or one of my lowest points. I describe it as a sin. Yea.

And now, I suddenly remember what Kor told me last time when I had to talk to him regarding relationship issues. He said, 90% of relationships end during NS because the guys have no idea what the girls go through in uni and the type of guys that they meet and how frantic uni's life is and girls have no idea what guys go through in NS and how stressful and taxing it can be. And not to mention, it's quite hard to the guys to be there for the girls when they need someone and vice-versa. Point taken? Yea. It's really quite hard I guess? I donno. Maybe that's why I don't really expect anything apart from breakdown in relationships. Or maybe I expect nothing much from anyone anymore, especially if it's regarding er, ya. I call it a bonus. Afterall, there really aren't any contracts signed or promises made. So I guess that's why I hardly promise people these days, especially since how I've seen how promises can be so easily broken. That's why I say, just concentrate on living your life and not make people's life difficult. If they're busy, then yup! Live your own life! =)

My sanctuary's no longer the same without, yea.

-js-