Saturday, August 26, 2006

I just attended Cassie's birthday party. It was rather alright but ever since I reached home, things haven't been good.

I can't get to sleep.

Not because I'm thinking of stuff that happened during the party but because of the fact that I keep seeing things whenever I close my eyes. I felt very pressurized initially, feeling that the world was pressing on me. Now, I feel like whatever I do, there is 2.5 times worth of feedback that I have to receive. Can't understand? Okay, it's like, having to be under something that is 2 and a half times heavier than you. It's really very hard to explain. I woke up about 10 mins ago, panting and mumbling 2.5 2.5 2.5. I was panting and sweating and trying to get a hold of my sanity. It's driving my crazy. I cannot sleep and I cannot rest. I'm really very tired mentally. Help.

My brother's asleep already. I have nobody to turn to. I need help. I really need help. Somebody, anybody. I just need help.

-js-

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Well, Sara's gone. She's gone. I reckon she won't be back for the next few years. Friends leave, at the most unexpected of times. Sighs. But then, we must be happy for her. Afterall, she's doing what she really wants. So yea. Much as we can't bear to see her leave, we have to remember that she chose her own path and that she wanted to pursue her dreams. I'm just glad to know her. Her 2 hugs made me realise 2 very different things.
The first hug, she told me, "You let me down so many times." before crying again. Well, I guess it's 'cos I kept teasing her and stuff. Hmm. But at least we had fun then.
The second hug, she didn't say anything. That was indeed very saddening. It's the first time that day that I nearly cried. It's hard to say goodbye. Much less someone who made an impact in your life.
So here's to you Sara. Thanks for all that you've done for 1AD2 PAE. You'll always be remembered. And I'll be waiting for you to come back to listen to me sing Lonely No More!! =)

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Saw someone expectedly at the airport. Well, kinda expected I have to say. The song Say It Isn't So, it's getting a lil different. I somehow, think of what happened. It is afterall, the only song that made me cry. Sighs. It's nice, it's sweet. It's never going to be the same ever again.

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Well, differences have been sorted out. Misunderstandings, I have to say. But then, it's okay. It's stuff like this that make us stronger. Yea. =)

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All the best to my lil angelic angel. LOL. Hang in there! It's going to be over in a matter of days!! =)

-js-

Saturday, August 19, 2006

It's not hard to imagine what prompted the writers of the song "You Never Walk Alone" went through before they penned their inner most thoughts down on paper, which swiftly then became the very song that lives in the hearts of all Liverpudnians. I suddenly felt so alone today. My fault, maybe, for giving an expression that was very welcoming. My fault, for giving the wrong impression of what was going through my mind. My fault, for not saying things clearly, causing people to have to travel up and down. My fault, readily admitted.

But then again, what prompted me to have such feelings? Did I not ask 3 times before giving up? Did I not ask for people to start work? Did I not try my best to not scream? Did I not try my best to appear nice and docile and adorable? Apparently it seems, it isn't enough.

You. Of all people. I know, it's a chore to have to see my face again for this year, much less for the last few years in RV. I'm fine with it. I know, it's a chore to even talk to me or even treat me nicely. It's a damn bloody chore for you to even be in this CCA, under me. Fine. I have nothing to say. 'cos it's my fault. Now don't get me wrong that I'm using sarcasm. I'm jolly well not using it. Being under me is a chore, we all can see.

But as you decide that my face was a fucked-up face, think about why I had that face. All you care about is the fact that you were bothered by the fact that my attitude pissed you off. Try asking someone who happens to be your friend to do something for more than 3 times and getting the reply, "Wait la!" each time. Try resisting the urge to scream at him in the face to start to move things, knowing what you do will affect the friendship. I really can't stand the fact that you don't even understand what's going on.

It's hard to find people who really understands what's going on. People don't always think for you. That's cruel. They think only about having fun and how to make life better for themselves. Did it even occur to you two that I'm trying to do a job? I don't think so. I really am disappointed with the fact that you didn't and still don't understand the stress that I have.

Not as if you'll even read about it.

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Is it just me, or is it that Val's able to make me feel better each time I'm down? I wonder.

-js-

Sunday, August 13, 2006

I'm beginning to like my shoulder and arm. Haha. I wonder why?! =D

Life has been pretty interesting if not swell. Yups. It's been rather good. Guess it's got to do with the amount of holidays I've been having. Been reading short stories lately. Found and learnt lots of different new ways of dealing with life. Yea. =) I've been eating too much chocolates lately too!! Argh..

Things often happen at the most unexpected times. Yea. That's very true. I can't wait for exams to be over. It's been a long wait. We'll find out sooner or later.

-js-

Thursday, August 10, 2006

"那么亲密的一个人，这刻竟遥远又陌生。"

She's potentially the one. But for now, she's far away. For now, she's just a stranger.

"他们彼此深信，是瞬间并发的热情让他们相遇。这样的的确是美丽的。但变幻无常更为美丽。"

That passion that erupted in that split moment. Ah. How sweet and nice. Love, everchanging circumstances. Makes it better.

"我喜欢工作。因为我不喜欢努力了，却没回报，就象----- 爱情。"

Love. Not something that can be explained by an equation. Not because of it's complexity. But because of it's simplicity. Too simple, that it cannot be understood by all.

Is it arriving? Or will it just be hidden once more. Like how it was 2 years back. Will I ever have the courage to say it out? Or will I just bury it again, letting the chance pass by once more, watch the person leave again. The chance is here.
But then again, will I dare risk what I already have right now? Afterall, is it really ever going to happen?

-js-

Monday, August 07, 2006

The following entry is dedicated to you.

"Please don't cry anymore. The last thing I really want to hear is that you cried yourself to sleep and that you locked yourself in your room. I know it's hard to control. I know you are strong. I know you can stand up again. Don't cry. Please."

Today's meeting was rather alright. Hmm. School tomorrow. Pretty sure it's going to be rather boring as we try to make ourselves seem a lil more patriotic. Haha.

-js-