Friday, June 30, 2006

Had a wonderful day today. Started with me heading down to school to pass Sam my CV. Met Darrell before that to collect his CV. Haha. Decided to stay in school and wait for Math lesson to start. Math lesson was rather interesting and fruitful I must say. Tze Shun joined us for Math. Haha. She's smart! Really! If only I had her brains. Nevermind.
Went to look for Darrell after Math. Had to travel all the way to his house. Haha. My supposed second home. Haha. Played a game of Dota with Darrell and some pubbies. Very frustrating I must say, seeing all your hard work go down the drain because of some people fooling around but you can't actually scold them 'cos you can't even see them!! Argh. Nevermind. Haha.
Headed down to Lot1 for lunch before going to the new campus for soccer. Explored the area while waiting for the rest to arrive. Saw a couple of familiar faces. But then again, how many more trips down can I make before realising that nobody actually knows who you really are anymore. Juniors are all graduating. So yea, I won't know anyone before long. Kinda sad eh? Knowing that I've been in CO and RV for 4 years, you realise that everything's just so temporary. Just like that Lit poem, nothing is absolute and everything will just come crumbling down and become nothing. Yea. Take it easy dude. I'm sure you can pull through it. =)
Played soccer with the juniors of RV. Don't really know them. Trailed 2 nil! Oh my gosh. Pulled one back before seeing Kiang score one of the most unglam goals. Haha. We laughed like mad when we saw him score that goal. LOL!! Ask him for details. Haha. Suffered a few cramps during the match. Played in long pants. My gosh. Nearly died of the heat. Haha. Nevermind. It's fun! 'cos I got to see my friends. Friends who know me and accept me for who I am and not for what I am. They are the ones who make me feel that I don't have to put on a facade or mask or a false front or whatever you call it. They are the ones who make me feel at ease, not having to bother about how I look, whether or not I have 6 pack rock hard abs or whether or not I pass NAPFA. I so wish to go back to Secondary School life. Innocent and just so fun. Of course, it had it's own fair share of problems and homework and stress. But then, I'm willing to trade my long pants that I'm wearing now for them. Had a lil chat with a few of them and we all agreed, we miss the days when we wore shorts. Why? 'cos it made us bonded. It allowed us to have a common identity. We had lots of fun trying to make them seem longer, like wearing them at our butts or hips or where ever, just so that it wouldn't look like a pair of boxers. Haha. It's stuff like these that really allows you to have great friends.
I guess it's really a case of not being able to adapt to AC life. Not sure why, but I never fail to feel very out of place in ACJ. Not sure why, really don't. Sam said it's just a matter of time and that it will never be like secondary school. I know that it will never be like secondary school. I keep telling myself that ACJ is a fun place and that I should be glad that at least I'm able to have friends there. But then, with each and every passing day, I get the feeling that I should never have appealed. Why? 'cos it's really not for me. I feel so weird not speaking to my peers in Chinese. My gosh. I really cannot stand people who look down on Chinese speaking people and pass them off as Cheena F***s. C'mon dude. Aren't you a Chinese too? Look at what education has done to our fine gentlemen, men whom girls in RV think are the best 'cos they know how to treat girls as girls. I mean, c'mon, show some respect alright? What good is there if you can't even speak a decent sentence of chinese? If you can't even understand what the chinese exam question is asking then I really think that it's time you start to think if you're that great to call people Cheena. At the very least, we know how to speak chinese, relatively well. I'm fine with people who can't speak good chinese, I'm fine with people who can't really understand what the question is asking for. But I'm not fine if you call me Cheena or call me a RV F***. Did my school offend you? Did I even offend you? So what if you're a great bowler? I don't care.
Look at the MOE website. You see kids, dressed in uniforms running on the field. From what school? Elite schools. And now tell me, how many of them are from schools that actually produce students who can speak decent chinese? I'll let you find out on your own.
What I'm trying to say is that, if you're not good in chinese, it's your responsibility to brush it up and be able to at least hold a decent conversation in it. I see Ian trying his very best trying to speak in chinese during lessons. That's nice. I see Jerome trying to understand and trying his best to learn. That's nice too! At least I have classmates who never fail to try.
Maybe I should never have appealed back to ACJ. Not sure why I'm saying this but, I really feel out of place. When was the last time my friends really saw me laugh out heartily and freely? I get the feeling that everyone's kinda looking at your actions where ever you go. It feels so weird. And the J2s ain't making things easy. I know I'll get slated for saying this publicly on a blog. But then again, am I insulting anyone? Am I causing someone to have their image destroyed? I don't think so. But then again, everywhere's the same, I guess. I'm not sure about that, 'cos I haven't been to other places, yet. All I can do now, is just struggle through the next 1 and a half year. Hopefully by then, I'll be freed from all the problems.
Back to today. Came back home after soccer. Had dinner with Mum and started to play games. Really needed to destress. So yea. Here I am, typing this entry, while waiting for Sam to come back online so that we can talk again. At least I know I have a J2 friend who really cares and accepts me for who I am. I know I can count on her. Thanks Sam. =)
Life will never be the same again. Oh ya. I just understood this statement. "If someone's really that good and important, wait. 'cos waiting will allow you to know if she's really that good and important. Just wait." So I guess, I'll just wait and wait and wait. Till when? I don't know. We'll see.

-js-

Monday, June 26, 2006

Well, had my first major exam of JC life today. Rather weird feeling though. Teachers seemed a lil uncanny and I felt pretty strange doing an exam in a large venue. Hmms. Not sure though. But anyway, did pretty alright I guess, with the exception of the Chinese composition which was horrendously done. Just could not think of a good plot. Apparently the juices refused to flow, much to my disappointment. Sighs. It's okay. At least it's over for now.

I have in front of me my stack of Econs notes. I seriously have no idea what I was doing for the last 2 months for Econs lecture. I have totally no idea or recollection about what was taught. I'm so dead. Wish me luck. LOL. Well, I battling with the eye lids now. I'm so going to fall asleep any moment now. But then again, I have so much work to do and have so lil time. Argh crap. All thanks to my wonderful time wasting skills. Whoots! I can't wait for Econs to be over. 'cos it would mean that one more paper which I'm so sure I'm going to fail is over. Yay! LOL!

Think I shall go sleep now, before waking up at a later time to do my revision. And Sam, if you are by any chance reading this, please note that you are sooooo biased. =P Haha.

-js-

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Nice day today. Started out rather well and it ended rather nicely too. Let's recap.

Well, I started the day by waking up at 10 plus. Haha. All thanks to the late night chat with Sam. She insisted on me sleeping 'cos I was having a flu. Haha. So being a good boy, I decided it was time to sleep and dutifully did so. Woke up at 10. Played about half and hour of MapleStory. Haha. Rather interesting game if you're feeling super bored and tired 'cos it's actually quite a brainless game that doesn't really require any brains. Haha. Washed up and left home to meet dad at Changi Airport. Haha. Had lunch appointment with him at 12. Reached there at around 12 plus and went to Sakae Sushi! Haha. Ate and ate and ate till I got rather sick of the food. Haha. No variety. Too bad. Went to eat ice cream after that!! Haha. Not bad! 'cos dad had to go back to office, I was dropped off at Bedok before making my way home.
Met LERXIAN on the way home!! Haha. He was with 2 sexy girls. LOL!! Brainwashed him to come to my place for Maple. LOL!! And being Lerxian, he did. Haha. Waited till around 6 plus before moving off to meet mum for dinner at IMM. LOL!! Bought stuff before coming back to Maple again. LOL!!
So, that's my day. Doesn't have to be too fancy or exciting. All I ask for is to feel as though someone appreciates me. That's all I'm asking for. And guess I got that feeling today. Thanks.

So yea. A nice day. Finally. Come to think of it, it's the best day since enCOre. I wonder why. Sighs.

-js-

Sunday, June 18, 2006

It's sad when you don't get the praises you deserve.
It's sad when you don't get the acknowledgement from people.
It's sad when you don't get the respect from others.
It's sad when people don't realise what they say actually left a deep scar in you.
It's sad when people don't realise how they just destroyed your day by making one insensitive comment.
It's sad when people don't realise that they actually made you feel like a complete waste of resources with the comments they make.
It's sad when people don't realise just how much effort you placed into making something for them.
It's sad when people don't realise they are actually the cause of all the sadness that you are going through.

It's sad. It really is. It's really freaking sad to get results that don't really reflect your actual effort. It's really freaking sad to receive comments and feedback that doesn't really show your actual self-worth. You put in a lot of effort, thinking that it would bring back results, only to be let down by the actual cold hard reality. You feel like a fool, putting so much effort into something that meant so much to you. But then, what do you get at the end of the day? Nothing. You thought people around you would appreciate and know that you tried your best. But then, all you hear are comments like, "Why didn't you do better than this?" or "Why like that?" You feel like the whole world is crashing down on you. I'm sure we've all been through stuff like this before. You feel super angry and upset that nobody knows what you are going through. Well, much as we are upset over stuff and how people just don't know how hard we're actually already trying, we have to pause and remember, they are not us. Only we know ourselves. Nobody bothers about what crap we're going through. Nobody will even bother to get themselves into the kind of problems we're facing so that they can understand and tell us what to do or offer kind words of comfort. C'mon guys, let's face it. We're all selfish. If we can avoid problems, we will do so. Who on earth in the right mind, would go through all the problems that his friends are going through so as to know how they are feeling? So before we get angry over people who don't appreciate us for what we are or who we are or whatever we have accomplished, let's just rejoice that they are not us. They will never be us, and they can never know what we're going through.

It's depressing when people don't notice the hard work that you put in. People only care about results. Results have the final say. Who cares whether or not you did 100 C.Math sums the week before to prepare for your exams, when at the end of the day you failed it by 1 mark? People only bother about the fact that you freaking failed your Math test. That's the bottomline. Who cares whether or not it's by 1 mark or by 10 marks? The thing is that you failed and that is all that is important. Nobody cared that I worked my pants off for my subjects during the O levels. All they care about is the fact that I scored a freaking 16 for it. And that's the cold hard truth. Who cares whether or not you did your best or whether or not you tried? They only care about results. And you dare tell me that process is more important than results? I'll spit at that remark and tell you in the face that I've been through enough to tell you that processes are not important. It's the results that people out there are interested in. Don't bother telling me that my thinking is wrong or whatever. Ask yourself, have you been through all that rubbish of not getting praises and acknowledgements for your effort even though you didn't exactly do well? Or that even when you think you did well, did you even get a single praise for it?

Who cares about whether or not you do 150 crunches every night when they still don't see those abs of yours? Nobody cares. All that is important is whether or not you have those rock-hard abs on that small lil area at your meat section. Cold hard reality? We just have to live with it. Much as we try to make our lives positive and interesting, we cannot seem to fail to be reminded about the harsh facts of reality. And try living in a family and being raised in a way that nothing seems to be good enough to satisfy that dad of yours. Nothing seems to be enough. I'm so sick and tired of having to explain why didn't I get 75 for Math when i got 70. I'm so sick of having to explain why didn't I pass History and got a F instead. I'm so sick of having to explain why don't I seem to be studying whenever he is at home. I know my family is far from being disfunctional but I've got a weird feeling that anytime soon, that brain of mine and that sanity of mine is going to malfunction and disfunction. My life revolves around these few things:
1. My laptop with a desktop picture that constantly reminds me of the reason to live.
2. My mobile phone with the same picture that constantly reminds me of the reason to live.
3. My mp3 player that allows me to be detatched from reality for the time being.
4. CO practices. Much as people pass it off as boring and try their very best to escape from it's clutches, I attend it willingly 'cos it seems like it's the only place where I can remain sane.
5. This blog. This blog holds too much stuff. It's become part of me, as it records each and every significant moment in my life. From that very first entry all the way to the very latest one. Each and every entry, is something that I cherish. Much as the standard of english is appalling at times, I still see it as something that is perfect.
6. My room. It is the only place where I can find solace. It has my favourite bed. It has a mirror to constantly remind myself that I must become what I want to be before I can even talk about wanting to go after that girl or whoever.

I dream of getting my own chateau. To be more exact, my very own Chateau en Espagne, or castle in the air. Now isn't that romantic? Sitting by the fire, sipping champagne with her by the side. Ah yes, with that brown beagle on the carpetted floor, lazing around, occasionally looking at it's owner with those beautiful black eyes. Fantasies. They never seem to cease to exist. Dreams. That's what drives people on. Yes. Dreams. Dream on, my friend. You never know what your imagination is capable of.

Well, at least I'm lucky enough to have friends around me who constantly remind me that life is good 'cos of them. Life will only be as good as we make them to be.

--------------------

People say I'm obsessed. I say I'm crazy. People say I'm mad. I say I'm not. So what am I really? Obsessed? Crazy? Mad? I don't know. Stuff that goes on in that lil anatomy of mine is rather fascinating. I cannot seem to comprehend how emotions are created and can never seem to justify them. I marvel only at the fact that I have an anatomy of such wonderful powers. It never ceases to amaze me. Interesting.

I hardly even know her. But yet I can get so obsessed over her. Now that's what I call fascinating.

But now, I'm stuck in reality where the locks are ever so tight and hearts are so cold and hard but yet, heavy as well.

-js-

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Just tasted my Oreo-Cookie-Chocolate-Cheesecake. Haha. Tasted rather alright I guess. Just that it lacked that lil kick. Was thinking of adding a lil rum. Haha. Better not, lest my friends get drunk, not that it will be so easy to get drunk with rum in cake though. Haha. Will be making another one, bettered version, tomorrow night so that I'll be able to bring it to school on Saturday. Haha.

I'm freaking bored now. Help.

-js-

Friday, June 09, 2006

It's friday again. The week is coming to an end, meaning my organ will be here soon. This isn't a good thing 'cos I haven't really mastered the last page of the second song. Now that, is not good - at all. Nevermind that. I have like so many things on hand that I really wish someone would just chop those 2 hands of mine off so that I don't have to hold on to them. Crap.

I don't even have the mood for World Cup, much less playing on my organ. Had a wonderful time, if not interesting time talking to Sam online last night. It's been a long time ever since I was so serious on MSN. Hmms. Well, sounded rather downcast and tired over certain matters. But then again, when was the last time I wasn't feeling that way ever since concert ended? Nevermind. It's not up to us to handle what cannot be handled. Oh ya, Sam if you're reading this, listen. "Thanks. You're really a nice girl and a wonderful friend. Really appreciate your friendship. Thanks. =)"

Okay, so it's lunch time and I have nobody to go out with on a Friday afternoon which is a rather sad thing and I have like only a few more hours of freedom before my parents are back which can be at times a lil frustrating 'cos they never fail to make me feel like a loser and never fail to nag and nag and nag and nag and of 'cos who can ever forget, scolding me for not studying only because the don't see me study when I actually studied at my friend's place or in the afternoon and say that I study only to show them that I'm studying. So there you have it, my wonderful Friday. All gone. Why? 'cos life is indeed like a vacuum cleaner. Oh yea. It's a wonderful description of life.

Oh yes. The enchantress. The wonderful, docile creature who prances around with grace, letting her Brilliance Aura float into places, mesmerising people with her elegance. Her speech killed Death, her movements ruptured Hades. But yet, she's so untouchable, for she is like Rougue, nice to look at, but touch at your own risk. For I, will never be good enough to touch her. For she is like Aphrodite of Greek mythology and Venus of Rome, not because of her wild nature but because of her beauty. Such beauty and elegance, blinds ones emotions. But then, she's still untouchable.

I'm off for lunch.

-js-

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Life is super weird. One moment you are super happy 'cos a small lil incident made you happy and excited like a lil boy being offered sweets but then the next moment you feel all sad and depressed cos you know things won't turn out the way you want it to. And it all happened within 3 hours. How interesting. Though we know things won't happen the way we want it to turn out but we still harbour hopes of it coming true. Much as we know that things have zero chance of becoming reality, we still try our very best and hope that things will become what we hope. Then again, the higher the hopes, the greater the disappointment. And the more you think of it, the more you want it to happen. And then the more you want it to happen the more you realise that it won't exactly happen. And from there, you start to feel depressed and sad 'cos you don't get to achieve what you want and what you so wish you can have.

I guess at the end of the day we have to do some reality check. It will really help you in knowing yourself and also what you can actually achieve in reality. Instead of dwelling on why things ain't turning out the way you want it to be, reality checking will actually help you realise that you ain't actually ready for it. Either 'cos we ain't really ready or simply 'cos we just ain't the type that others like. That's what I call reality check.

I shall really go train and beef up this time. 'cos I really need it.

-js-

Monday, June 05, 2006

Well, enCOre'06 ended last night. Sighs. It meant that J2s would be leaving and that I won't get to see some people anymore. Sighs. That stinks. Kudos to everyone, for all their hardwork and all their efforts and stuff like that. I hope you enjoyed the concert as much as I did. =)

Not sure if there's CO tomorrow. But one thing is for sure, CO won't be the same anymore. =(

I miss the seniors. Sighs.

-js-