Friday, December 01, 2006

It's back. That feeling of dreading to go to school. Oh my gosh. I thought it would not be back after going through so much with AA5 and stuff. But then, it's back. This time, it ain't 'cos of school work. It's cos of commitments. Now dudes, this IS serious.

Reflecting on what my RVCO senior, who happened to be my President as well said, I realised that I'm going through the same thing right now. Quote from Xiumin, "I wish you'd find that passion for CO before I step down. I really don't want to see you lose your passion for it." Back then in 2003, I was part of Logistics. Our job was to make sure the chairs and conductor's stand and what-have-you-nots were ready for Combined. I decided to skip a combined session one afternoon, 'cos I really dreaded going for it. I didn't know why, but I just didn't want to go for that particular session. In fact, I didn't even want to go for any other future sessions. It so happened to be the norm for the RVCO President to ask for reasons from those who were absent, and me being part of the Comm, my Pres decided to talk to me. She asked, as usual, in her nice voice and patient way, why I didn't attend. I actually lost passion for CO.

So why am I digging it all up again? Well, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that what I'm going through now seems to be the same as what I've been through last time. Deja Vu at it's minimum I suppose, if you do want to even call it that. But what made me find that passion back for CO was the fact that I could feel goosebumps during each and every combined. Not only combined but even sectionals. Now that's scary. I went back to RVCO just the other day and I just realised how much I've missed RVCO. Gone are the days, as I said about hearing 6 or even 8 suonas. It's not the magnitude or intonation of the notes, it's the way the notes fuse together to form something that is so unique and different from other people's music. I felt that sense of belonging. I felt that I was appreciated, well I think so. Ha.

Not that I don't feel appreciated in ACCO. But the feeling's so very different. Till now I still wonder if I should have stayed in JJC and play Basketball. It's something I have always wanted to do, play Sports in JC. But then, I suppose my intellectual capacity doesn't warrent me that chance eh? Did I make the right choice to step forward? Did I make the right choice in choosing ACJC? Lots of questions pop up but only 1 thing is certain. I DID make the right choice to join CO when I was in RV. RVCO will always be the right choice. I've made many many many and I say many wrong choices in life till now but joining RVCO was and will always be the right choice. People from RVCO had this very special attitude towards CO. I don't know why but they are always so committed to their own brand of music. That, I have to respect. *salutes*

I'm not sure if it's 'cos I've extra responsibilities or whatsoever but I'm kinda certain that it's not because I have extra work and burden on my shoulders. It's just that I can't seem to adapt to the way things are done in this particular CO. The entire CCA knows that I have something against the conductor and even the seniors know that I seem to always clash with him. I backtracked all the way to 2002. Was I like that when I was in RVCO? When did I not respect the conductors and give them that "talk-to-me-and-I'll-slap-you" attitude? Maybe moodswings, but not to the extent of locking myself in the store room for half and hour! Goodness gracious.

Thinking back about the things I learnt from CCAAB, I realised that it's all just theory. Much as people can come tell you that you have to do things and much as seniors can arrange 1 to 1 talks with you to prep you up, it's all just theory. Practicality of the issue differs from theory. I'll be the first person to agree and admit, even though I know it's going to have a negative impact on people and stuff, that I'm starting to dread my CCA. I'm risking my position, I'm risking everything that I have worked so hard for. Why? 'cos I reckon that it's important that I'm honest about how I feel towards things. If not, I might as well not lead people. That's my style. It's up to me to find it back, it's up to me to like it again. It's up to me.

Since Jie and the rest went to Thailand for their holiday, I've been rather lonely. Not physically but as in emotionally, if I can say so myself. I realised that I didn't have anyone to complain to, well maybe the RV gang. But, it's different. I needed Jie's knowledge of stuff to help me tide over things.

But what can be worse than not having Saint around to cheer me up? My mum and dad wouldn't know what's going on and I certainly do not want to make them worried. Saint, lil saint. Where are you? Clouds go by, water flows. Only Saint stays, as I grow. Well, that's what I hope will happen.

I guess the late night's taking it's toil on my lethargic self. This is so not good. Move on! Push on! Get a book, read, get yourself enlightened! Yea, like that will work.

Coke-bottled. Serious. Too many things, too little ways of letting them all out. Period.

-js-