Sunday, December 11, 2005

As I was eating my prata and watching Chelsea win another fluke victory, I realised that I must start to learn to endure tauntings and start to be less jealous of stuff. I cannot be jealous over things simply because I no longer have the right to do so. Her actions are not of my concern. I cannot force her to do anything, neither does she need to report her every action. Much as I want her to, I cannot do so. Simply because she is no longer mine. Simple as that.
As I was browsing Friendster profiles, I happened to stumble upon her profile. Curious me decided to click on the button called Friends. So I started to look for some people. As expected, I found it. A sudden feeling of jealously ran through my entire body, taking over my sanity and thoughts. Intense anger was felt at that time, almost breaking me into half or even worse, prompting me to just take my mobile and demand a reason. Then I thought. Is it not her choice? Is it not up to her to whether or not she wants to make new friends? I knew I was right about that. It's not within my control and not for me to interfere. I must learn to let it go, slowly but surely. I have to and I need to. Both for me and also for the good of others. I cannot force the issue. Like in basketball. Forcing the issues will usually result in offensive fouls or even causing injuries to yourself. It's alright if you're just hurting yourself. But please for goodness sakes don't drag people into the mess alright? So yea. Thought about it and guess it's true.
What we had were memories. Memories are there to make our lives better. It's like condiments. Making life less boring and stuff. At least I have things to look back upon now. As I grow, I'll have something to remember. And when I grow old, I'll make sure I tell my grandchildren about her. How wonderful she was, how sweet she was. How pretty and how whatever you can imagine. How she said those 3 words, how she laughed and how she walked and how she was shy to look into my eyes on the train. Or even the type of fragrance she liked, Hugo Boss, and said that the smell lingered around even as she was in school after our meeting and that she was sad that she lost it after a while. Or that she could not finish 2 Delifrance fruit tarts but eat it nonetheless to prevent me from feeling sad. Or even how I refused to throw away the empty box of Shapes, the very first and also the very last thing she gave me. Memories of a 16 year old boy. The story of a lil boy who was bewitched by the dancer, who danced into his heart, stealing his heart and soul, making him go gaga over her. How she sat at the table, listening to the tutor talk about self motivation. The lil boy wasn't paying attention at all. He was only interested in knowing the girl. How fate allowed the lil boy to know the dancer, who eventually became the lil girl. How they changed nicks, to make them sound so cheesy. How Ken and Barbie came together, how lil girl had lots of adjectives to describe her. How a dancer was a turtle and a slug and an angel at the same time. All these will go down memory lane. Let's just hope it will not end up in the gutter but hit the strike. But dreams are just dreams. They are called dreams for a reason. Because they are so beautiful but yet, impossible to touch.
Reflecting on that very night, I realised that I took it harder than I would expect myself to take it. I somehow get the feeling that I got affected more than she did. Guess its just some MCP thingy going on that prompted me to type that last line there. But I just get the feeling that it is so.
"Giving up easily would just mean it not being important in the first place."
Wonder why people always say, "I promise...." or "Forever" or "For life" or "For...." They don't even know what's going to happen the next day. Silly people. That's why, never ever say, "I promise never to leave you" or "I promise that I'll love you forever" That will not happen. Ok, maybe it does. But not often.
Waiting for a simple message is painful but yet sweet at the same time. Although it's just a simple message and that the sweetness is only so minute and stuff, it's enough to make people go gaga over it. Technology destroys people. So yea. That's my prata thought of the day.

-js-