Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Just got back from outing with the tuition people. I must say that pool was fun! Haha. Played 7 games with Glen. Lost the game 3-4. Sad. Haha. He's real good! Hmm.
Now for an explicit entry. Pardon me if I really swear alright? =)
What in the world was I thinking? Oh my goodness. Enough is enough. I cannot take it no more. Hmm. Maybe I was just being petty and all. But please tell me which guy can accept a guy getting close to the girl he likes? Oh please. I don't know what happened, and I certainly DO NOT want to know if it is like what I guessed it is. No guys, I'm not going to scold or scream vulgarities like my life depends on it. All I'm going to say is, "I'm tired." I sat there, waiting for time to pass. Ordered a cup of iced coffee from Starbucks and sat there. As I waited, my heart went boom boom boom. Acceleration was definately not constant. It was accelerating acceleration. Why am I talking about Physics? Haha. I wanted to meet her so very badly. But the moment I saw her, I knew it was a mistake. A deft mistake.
My mind went blank the moment I saw her message last night. Why tell me who you are going to PS with (no guys, not THAT PS. It's the place.) ? It's like ambiguous feelings running through me. Much as I want to know who you are with, I don't want to know you are with someone else. Ah crap. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Haha.
Wait, isn't this déjà vu? Hmm. It happened before, didn't it? I'm making inferences without proof. But if one doesnt clarify stuff, how is it that others are able to know what really is going on? Lit student. Sighs.
Melody Beattie once said, " Love means each person is free to follow his or her own heart." That's true. Helen Keller said, " I'm not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship. " But I like what Javan said, " Love can somtimes be magic. But magic can sometimes just be an illusion. " Nan Fairbother said, " The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection, and not a fountain; to show them we love them not when we feel like it, but when they do." Finally, I said, "A crush is not a crush if it doesn't hurt. Love is not love if it doesn't result in someone getting hurt." Quotes were from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul III.
I really need to get my life-bearings right. I've wasted enough time to get me to the moon and back. I need to know where I'm heading, where I'm going to end up and everything. I hate to admit this but, going out the group was kinda weird. I donno why too. I'm just unable to fit into the group. Hmm. Guess I'm better off hanging around in urban places instead of in the city and orchard road. Jurong will always be the place I'm able to be myself. I don't need another place, all I need is Jurong, for that's where I can really be who I am. I don't need to put on fake pretenses. I lost myself, my soul and stuff like that. Oh my gosh, this is starting to get a little too fake. Haha. See what I mean? Hanging out with normal people suits me better. Not that she's abnormal, but it's just that, I donno. All I know is that I can never say what I really want to say IN MY OWN LANGUAGE. I cannot use words like, "sian" or "kao" or "siam" and stuff like that. I'm not me! I'm not that outgoing Jackson, that jerk-ass Jackson or that gay Jackson that my friends know! Sighs. All I can say is that I'm not being myself. Much as I tried to convince myself that, hey, I am still who I am. But it never really happened. I know deep down inside, I've changed. Can you imagine someone using Microsoft Words to check the spellings of words when sending a sms? I wouldn't bother to spell correctly if I was messaging, say, ET or Aaron or Nalan. But, why am I doing all that? I donno.
Why am I deluding myself? Why am I trying to convince myself that what I'm doing is correct and worth it all? Convince me. Not asking her to convince me. Because I know she will never convince me. All she'll say is, "The choice is yours and yours alone." How many times have I seen or hear her say that? Hmm. Let's see.. Erm, countless.
Quote from Perez, "We'll see if we made the correct choice when everything ends. Don't judge the decision now." So I guess, that's what we should look forward to.
♥ { 8:06 PM }