Friday, November 11, 2005

I wonder, should I regret knowing you? Or should I be glad that I know you? I really don't know. I happy to just know you, knowing someone as sweet and nice and caring as you. Almost like the powerpuff girls, sugar spice and everything nice. Sheesh. Sometimes I wonder, why on earth do I know you? Why is it that I have to meet you? Why is it that I have to go through it all over again. First it was 6 months, then now its 2 years. Goodness, I'm no saint. I cannot possibly wait for so long without any grumbles. Call me an egoistic asshole for all I care. I simply cannot wait and not know if things are going to turn out the way I want it to. Capricorn at work? Maybe, given that Capricorns are known to want things to be their way and that they are idealistic people.
What pains me the most is that how you once promised not to leave me no matter what. Or how you promised me that you will cling onto me no matter what. You promised me the moon and the stars, everything and anything. Your sweetness was enough to make me diabetic. How nice. How I went to sleep everynight, knowing that you are around for me, that you will be there for me no matter what. That you'll stand by me, supporting me, encouraging me. I went to bed everynight with a smile on my face. I wasn't smiling because of the fact that you said something sweet. But it was because of the fact that I felt so very blessed that you were there for me. Oh goodness, how we both said that we were blessed to have each other. Or that having you/me around was more than enough. Such sweetness can only be found in memories, lost in the wilderness, engulfed by fact that I need to wait because of you feeling overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed. Yes, how can I forget that reason. If so, then why promise what you cannot achieve? Why promise when you are not even sure if you can stand by it? Why? I cannot comprehend. Make me understand. You tell me of your hectic schedule. Do I not have one? Do I not have a busy life too? Am I one who roam the streets 24/7? Am I? Then tell me is it fair to say because of a hectic schedule you feel overwhelmed? No doubt the O's are putting pressure on you. But is it not doing the same for me? I'm no smarter than you. So why are you telling me that you feel pressured by the O's and that you are overwhelmed?
But, I cannot blame you. Nor can I fault you for something that is not of your fault. I admit that it was a matter of too much too soon, same reason to why celebrities rise and fall so quickly. Maybe we should have kept it a little cooler till the O's end. So with that, I admit I was wrong. It's my fault for pushing it a little too fast. I'm sorry.
Your very first gift for me. Shapes. I loved them. Not because it tasted nice, in fact it was salty. But because it was from you. I told myself when I received it, "I'm so very blessed to have such a sweet and wonderful girl by my side." I did not mind the fact that we could only see each other once a week. Nor did I mind that we could only talk on the phone when your mum was out. I did not mind at all. Reason being very simple. It's you.
I was so very happy, over the moon when you said those 3 words on that morning, 0716 hrs. I smiled and was feeling hyper the entire day. Your shyness was so loveable. Till now, I cannot forget the way you said it, the tone you used, your sudden laughings when talking. All these, and many other sweet moments, lost in memory.
Your every message, made me feel so very loved. I could not stand the fact that you took hours to reply at times. But the moment I received it, all the anger disappered. I could not concentrate when I did not receive your messages, much as I forced myself to.
I placed your picture as my screen saver, allowing me to see you whenever I felt lonely or sad. I did not want to disturb you or land you into trouble by calling you. All I could do was to just look at your picture and smile to myself like some old man struck by senile dementia. But it was enough. I did not mind. I did not want to hear your sorries. I did not believe it was needed. Maybe I've got to thank Fungmin for this, " I don't want, and I don't like sorries. Cause they don't hold any meanings." I'll remember that. In fact, I'm starting to feel the say way too! Haha.
How I cried when I was on the phone with you for the very last time. How I was filled with sadness. How I cried when I put down the phone. It signalled the end. I could not bear to just let it end like that. Neither could you, right? Maybe you couldn't wait to end it. I don't blame you. Its your choice, not that I can control. But, we make things happen, not wait for things to happen.
Life has been pretty alright these past 2 days. Not too bad, if I have to say so myself. God's plan involves me going through all these. He wants to let me know that there is more to life than that one good girl in life. I still have my friends, and my Faith, though I'm ashamed to say I have so little Faith. God bless that I'm still alive and kicking, unlike before, letting myself slumping into mild depression over some problems.
It's never a girl's fault when a relationship goes wrong. It's the guy's. I wonder if it's going to hold. As I tried to hold on to this relationship, you just seem to want to turn your back and walk away. Maybe you didn't mean it, but it just occurred to me that you wanted so badly to just turn your back to get some personal space and breathing space. I asked myself repeatedly, did I not give you enough room or breathing space? Then, it dawned upon me that I did, it was just the wrong timing and that there was too much going on around us.
Call me selfish, call me a jerk. But I just cannot allow myself to let it end just like that. I will fight for it, for things happen only when we fight for it. I will fight, and I will push for it.
Yes, no doubt people will ask, "Do you think she'll be happy? Who are you in the first place? Don't you know that you will be causing her more unhappiness? Don't you think you are very selfish?" Then let me ask you, is it selfish to fight for what you want? If I'm selfish to fight for it, then is she not equally selfish for telling me she cannot do so because of her own reasons? To each his own, that's what I learnt from her.
I'm not trying to say that I'm correct and that she's wrong, worthy of being condemned. I never intended to hurt her because I cannot bear to do so. Who in the right mind will do so to the person he so dearly loves? Tell me about young people not knowing what love is. Then tell me, do YOU know what love is? Are you sure you know what it is all about?
I don't know what I should do right now. I cannot let it go, or maybe its just a matter of time. But I don't think it will die off so soon. Not at least till O's are over.
As the sun sets, the moon prepares to rise. What goes up, may not really come down. It will just rise and rise and rise, till we can see it no more. Like fireworks in the sky, so beautiful and breathtaking, but so shortlived, so dearly missed by some.